Funny jokes!

I was going through e-mails and revisited a large collection of Chuck Norris jokes:


>Top 100 Facts for Chuck Norris
> Fact
> # of Votes
> Rating
>
> Fact
> # of Votes
> Rating
>
> Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
> 369
> 7.536
>
> Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the
>probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
> 351
> 7.472
>
> Chuck Norris thought up some of the funniest Chuck Norris facts
>ever, but he hasn't submitted them to the site because he doesn't believe
>in any form of submission.
> 171
> 7.391
>
> Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
> 253
> 7.371
>
> Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.
> 151
> 7.324
>
> The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
> 135
> 7.318
>
> When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet
>for Chuck Norris.
> 193
> 7.316
>
> Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are
>trademarked names for his left and right legs.
> 92
> 7.304
>
> It is impossible to be raped by Chuck Norris because that would mean
>you did not want it to happen.
> 86
> 7.302
>
> Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
> 198
> 7.292
>
> Little kids enjoy lighting ants on fire with magnifying glasses.
>Chuck Norris enjoys lighting little kids on fire with ants. Scientists have
>yet to find out how this feat is achieved.
> 117
> 7.290
>
> When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and
>includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck
>Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.
> 122
> 7.286
>
> If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck
>Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
> 143
> 7.286
>
> At birth, Chuck Norris came out feet first so he could roundhouse
>kick the doctor in the face. Nobody delivers Chuck Norris but Chuck Norris
> 109
> 7.284
>
> Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The
>Islands.
> 273
> 7.282
>
> If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down.
> 149
> 7.275
>
> Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never
>his own.
> 128
> 7.273
>
> Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks
>and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was
>finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul
>back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he
>should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of
>the month.
> 152
> 7.269
>
> Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
> 145
> 7.268
>
> Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up
>the courage to tell him.
> 116
> 7.267
>
> Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs.
>Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the fuck he wants.
> 112
> 7.267
>
> Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets
>the information he wants.
> 121
> 7.264
>
> Whenever someone is constipated, doctors send them to Chuck Norris
>so he can scare the shit out of them.
> 141
> 7.262
>
> Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him
>win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get
>out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4
>card from the game UNO.
> 153
> 7.248
>
> Chuck Norris can speak braille.
> 192
> 7.244
>
> We all know the magic word is please. As in the sentence, "Please
>don't kill me." Too bad Chuck Norris doesn't believe in magic.
> 128
> 7.242
>
> Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the
>first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone
>standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
> 146
> 7.239
>
> Chuck Norris once went on Celebrity Jeopardy and answered, "Who is
>Chuck Norris?" to every question. It was the first and only time in
>Jeopardy history that a contestant answered every single question right.
> 109
> 7.238
>
> Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is
>afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris
> 118
> 7.237
>
> Chuck Norris does not know where you live, but he knows where you
>will die.
> 110
> 7.236
>
> Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the
>first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
> 106
> 7.235
>
> Chuck Norris, Vin Diesel and Arnold Schwarzenegger have all died and
>are in Heaven. Each of them hope to occupy the seat next to God. God asks
>Vin Diesel why he thinks he should have the seat and Vin replies, "I
>believe... I should have the seat because of the virtuosity in my toughness
>and pride." Arnie says, "I believe... that I should be the one sitting next
>to you because of all my achievements." God then turns to Chuck Norris, who
>replies with, "I believe... you are sitting in my seat."
> 128
> 7.234
>
> The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.
> 107
> 7.233
>
> Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".
> 182
> 7.230
>
> Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.
> 120
> 7.225
>
> Chuck Norris once survived a suicide bombing. He was the bomber.
> 84
> 7.214
>
> Pee Wee Herman got arrested for masturbating in public. The same
>day, Chuck Norris got an award for masturbating in public.
> 135
> 7.207
>
> If you see Chuck Norris crying he will grant you a wish, if your
>wish is dying.
> 101
> 7.207
>
> If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like
>chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's fucking beef.
> 97
> 7.206
>
> If you try to introduce your mother to Chuck Norris, she'll
>introduce you to your biological father.
> 68
> 7.205
>
> Chuck Norris is currently in a legal battle with the makers of
>Bubble Tape. Norris claims "6 Feet of Fun" is actually the trademark for
>his penis.
> 118
> 7.203
>
> They say that lightning never strikes the same place twice. Niether
>does Chuck Norris. He doesn't have to.
> 110
> 7.190
>
> Most men are okay with their wives fantasizing about Chuck Norris
>during sex, because they are doing the same thing.
> 95
> 7.178
>
> Chuck Norris' sperm can penetrate 13 condoms, the birth control
>pill, a brick wall, and the 1975 Pittsburgh Steelers offensive line in
>order to impregnate a woman.
> 90
> 7.177
>
> Chuck Norris has to sort his laundry into three loads: darks,
>whites, and bloodstains.
> 72
> 7.166
>
> Chuck Norris is allowed to talk about Fight Club.
> 122
> 7.155
>
> Geico saved 15% by switching to Chuck Norris.
> 99
> 7.151
>
> Chuck Norris' cowboy boots are made from real cowboys.
> 88
> 7.147
>
> If at first you don't succeed, you are obviously not Chuck Norris.
> 86
> 7.139
>
> A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for
>handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs
>to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
> 91
> 7.131
>
> The only thing we have to fear is fear itself... The only thing fear
>has to fear is Chuck Norris.
> 82
> 7.121
>
> The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just
>entered a world with Chuck Norris.
> 105
> 7.104
>
> The most effective form of suicide known to man is to type "Chuck
>Norris" into Google and hit "I'm Feeling Lucky!".
> 116
> 7.103
>
> Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them.
> 93
> 7.096
>
> Chuck Norris ends every relationship with "Its not me, its you".
> 107
> 7.084
>
> A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied,
>"Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name
>cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man
>ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.
> 101
> 7.069
>
> Chuck Norris once killed 5 people in less than a second. The only
>thing he said after this incident was, "Damn it, when Chuck Norris doesn't
>want Girl Scout cookies, Chuck Norris doesn't want Girl Scout cookies."
> 66
> 7.060
>
> Chuck Norris clogs the toilet even when he pisses.
> 134
> 7.052
>
> Chuck Norris got in touch with his feminine side, and promptly got
>her pregnant.
> 83
> 7.048
>
> Chuck Norris never gets brain freeze. Slurpees know when to back the
>fuck off.
> 103
> 7.048
>
> Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked Bruce Lee, breaking him in half.
>The result was Jet Li and Jackie Chan.
> 93
> 7.043
>
> When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many
>seconds you have left to live.
> 57
> 7.035
>
> Chuck Norris doesn't have a bank account. He just tells the bank how
>much he needs.
> 75
> 7.026
>
> Chuck Norris refers to himself in fourth person.
> 107
> 7.018
>
> Chuck Norris doesn't give Christmas presents. If you live to see
>Christmas, that is your Christmas present from Chuck.
> 112
> 7.017
>
> Water boils faster when Chuck Norris watches it.
> 76
> 7.013
>
> When Chuck Norris exercises, the machine gets stronger.
> 86
> 7.011
>
> Switzerland isn't really neutral. They just haven't figured out what
>side Chuck Norris is on yet.
> 87
> 7.011
>
> When Chuck Norris was in middle school, his English teacher assigned
>an essay: "What is Courage?" Chuck Norris received an "A+" for writing only
>the words "Chuck Norris" and promptly turning in the paper.
> 83
> 6.975
>
> Chuck Norris doesn't have hair on his testicles, because hair does
>not grow on steel.
> 68
> 6.970
>
> Similar to a Russian Nesting Doll, if you were to break Chuck Norris
>open you would find another Chuck Norris inside, only smaller and angrier.
> 91
> 6.967
>
> One time in an airport a guy accidently called Chuck Norris "Chick
>Norris". He explained it was an honest mistake and apologized profusely.
>Chuck accepted his apology and politely signed an autograph. Nine months
>later, the guy's wife gave birth to a bearded baby. The guy knew exactly
>what had happened, and blames nobody but himself.
> 86
> 6.965
>
> Chuck Norris was sending an email one day, when he realized that it
>would be faster to run.
> 86
> 6.941
>
> Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know when Chuck Norris
>is going to kill you.
> 98
> 6.928
>
> Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck
>Norris
> 89
> 6.921
>
> Chuck Norris doesn't understand why you should consult your doctor
>if your erection lasts for more than 4 hours. His erections have been known
>to last for up to 15 days.
> 95
> 6.915
>
> When Chuck Norris laughs too hard while drinking milk, he accidently
>shits a cow.
> 88
> 6.886
>
> Jesus owns and wears a bracelet that reads, "WWCND?"
> 106
> 6.877
>
> Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck
>Norris will not take shit from anyone.
> 68
> 6.867
>
> Chuck Norris only uses one chopstick.
> 68
> 6.852
>
> Chuck Norris gave cats nine lives so he could kill them more.
> 72
> 6.847
>
> When Chuck Norris answers the phone, he just says "Go". This is not
>permission for you to begin speaking, it is your cue to start running for
>your life.
> 84
> 6.845
>
> Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't
>the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the
>worst mistake anyone has ever made.
> 102
> 6.843
>
> The phrase "Made by Chuck Norris" is imprinted beneath the surface
>of China.
> 75
> 6.840
>
> In order to survive a nuclear attack, you must remember to stop,
>drop, and be Chuck Norris.
> 106
> 6.839
>
> Chuck Norris has never had an alcohol problem. However, alcohol has
>had a Chuck Norris problem.
> 72
> 6.819
>
> Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just
>so he can "accidentally" beat the shit out of little kids.
> 108
> 6.814
>
> Chuck Norris wears custom made boots with his name imprinted on the
>bottom. The reason being is so if anyone ever asks him for his autograph,
>they will get it permanently across the side of their face.
> 66
> 6.803
>
> Chuck Norris always gets blackjack. Even when he's playing poker.
> 85
> 6.788
>
> When the Incredible Hulk gets angry he transforms into Chuck Norris.
> 102
> 6.764
>
> Contrary to popular belief, George Bush is a great speaker and
>rarely mispronounces words. He appears incompetent because he knows Chuck
>Norris is watching.
> 206
> 6.757
>
> Chuck Norris doesn't use pickup lines, he simply says, "Now."
> 82
> 6.743
>
> Oxygen requires Chuck Norris to live.
> 110
> 6.718
>
> Chuck Norris does not leave messages. Chuck Norris leaves warnings.
> 129
> 6.682
>
> Microsoft has released a new Anti-virus removal tool called Chuck
>Norris. The tool dares the virus to enter the machine.
> 69
> 6.681
>
> Chuck Norris' action figure has slept with more women then most men.
> 90
> 6.677
>
> There are currently 5 viruses in population that could eradicate the
>worlds' population in less than a week. They are lying low because Chuck
>Norris does not like competition.
> 61
> 6.655
>
> If you come home to find Chuck Norris doing your wife, it's probably
>best to go fetch a glass of water and stand there in case Chuck gets
>thirsty. There ain't no future in any other course of action.
> 114
> 6.622
>
> Chuck Norris once had a near death experience. Needless to say,
>Death now refuses to come near him.
> 74
> 6.608
>
> Chuck Norris can roundhouse kick with his left leg and his right
>leg. At the same time.
> 110
> 6.590

You missed one:

Chuck Norris got his driver's license at the age of 16, seconds.

Heres a funny joke

Who lives in Waterville, used to always wear a hat, and is totally gay?

Andrew!

...wait that's not a joke.

Someday Mike, you willll regret thaaat! Or maybe not, but who knows?

Heres a funny joke.

Okay, so theres a Preist and a Rabbi sitting at a table.

Suddenly a small boy walks past.

The Preist says the Rabbi "Let's screw him!"

The Rabbi then responded "Out of what?"

The End

lolz u always have to put in a P&R joke

I bet Mike really likes jokes involving little boys.

I bet you like jokes involving Ben....

AHAHA

I bet you like jokes involving your mama!

yes , and other people dying by me

.....

i like to incorporate how i feel inside other sentences with different subjects

That's cool, I like wizards, 'cause I'd like to be a wizard someday.

me 2 and then become a necromancer and transform myself into a lich ..... yes im strange SHUTUP

Id love to get some sort of crazy turbo armor, cause I love armor, but it would have to look like that kick ass armor in animes and fire emblem, where the pauldrons are HUGE, also it would have to be like enchanted or super durable or something. Maybe made of osmiridium, when im super rich and can put robotics into it so i dont get crushed by the weight of the armor. Thatd be awesome.

and ill just be a shadow in the night where nobody will see me. ill lurk around corners and stab you in the neck when you aren't looking